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Table of contents

Scramble them! We need more butter. Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt! When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my plus-pound father and another large man. It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face.

Photos: Convergence at the 57th New York Film Festival

Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag—induced foot-in-mouth disease. Scene: A conversation between two of my friends. Friend 1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend 2: My wife.

Connections

Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. How do you account for that? My friend was at the beauty parlour when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. What do you think?

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. Ready to groan? My husband is a car nut. My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon.

Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. But a prom you do only once. The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. How come married women are heavier than single women?

Dancing in the Rain

When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty. You repeat. There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall. My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.

When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us. An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught.

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Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen. When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

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Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings. My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business.

I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear. When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings.

I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair. But can you make it quick? Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine-conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests. Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet the medication.

She attached these stickers to her kitchen calendar, marking the first Saturday of every month. Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss was surprised too. I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed.

One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene. A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

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I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?

tax-marusa.com/order/padicywum/detecter-un-logiciel-espion-sur-iphone-6-plus.php To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. Then she smiled. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned.

She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another.

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room. Weeks later I asked how it was going. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine. Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.

In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony.